I have seen heartache. I have felt pain and loss in life in losing children before birth. Nothing here on earth can prepare a woman or man for the emotional turmoil they go through when losing a child.
I was just beginning my ninth month of pregnancy with our second child. I was going in for a routine doctor appointment two weeks before the due date. From that day forward life would no longer be routine. Our daughter’s heart stopped beating, and I had to deliver a stillborn. I was devastated to say the least. I felt like I was walking in a dream. I kept wanting to wake up from the moment I found out that we were not going to bring our baby home. Days and weeks passed, and before I knew it months had passed. My heart was in a constant state of heartache and disbelief. I would read Bible verses like Psalm 35:17, “How long, O lord, will you look on and do nothing?” I also recalled Psalm 35:22-23, “O Lord, you know all about this. Do not stay silent. Do not abandon me now, O Lord. Wake up! Rise to my defense! Take up my case, my God and my Lord.”
There were many verses like this that I would read over and over again letting God know I was in pain. I often overlooked at this time any verses that reminded me to praise GOD or would lift me up. In many of the Psalms I would think, “Yes! This is how I am feeling.” I would walk and pray and pour out my feelings and my downcast heart to God. Sometimes I would see hope, other days I would cry myself to sleep.
I lost three more babies after the first stillborn for a total of four. My husband and I decided to try to have another child. I will be honest. Most of those years are just a blur now. I would read the Bible and pray, but I often did not feel joy or happiness. When I was around people I put on a false front that all was ok. But when I was alone, that is when I would pour out my tears to God.
One day I was walking and praying to God. I was just pouring out my heart to him. I remember saying to Him that I didn’t understand what was going on and why, I give up and I will leave all of this at your feet. I will leave all of this mess for you. I reminded myself that pain falls on the good and the bad, the rich and the poor, the believer and the non-believers. The difference was that I was a believer and my hope and trust was in the Lord. I needed to be aware of the fact that my emotions and human centered understanding was fighting to rule over me. For some reason that day was a turning point in my thinking. Up to then I was unaware of or unwilling to accept the hope God was offering me. As I began reading again in Psalms, my heart would turn toward chapter 34:18-20, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time. For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous; no one of them is broken!” I was also drawn to Psalm 36:5-7 that says, “Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your unfailing love, O God! pour out your unfailing love on those who love you.”
There were many other verse, but I did notice my heart and mind turning now to verses of hope, love and God showing himself greater than the circumstances going on around me.
Then I found myself pregnant again. This would be my sixth pregnancy. I already lost 4 other babies that were stillborn or miscarriages. I was on my knees praying, “Lord not again”. I did not want to lose another baby. I did not know if I could go through the emotional loss again. I kept reading Psalms during this time, and I kept pouring out my heart to my God and my Savior. I kept reminding myself of Psalm 37:5, “Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and He will help you.”
In truth there were times when I didn’t trust God fully, but I was trying more than ever to put Him first in my heart no matter the outcome. I tried to make sense of all this from a human perspective and with my limited understanding. On September 19th I gave birth to our son. Carrying him for eight months was one of the hardest thing I have ever done. Every day I expected to get news that this child would not live just like the others, but this time it was different. Today he is an energetic, healthy vibrant Christian.
If your heart is downcast, do not be ashamed about it. Pour your heart out to the Lord; He can take it. When you are ready, be willing to look to God and be reminded of the hope He gives to each of His children in times of trouble and trial. I kept reading Psalms over and over again. Many verses spoke to my heart when I was all over the place in my emotional state. Even if you feel too much pain or feel nothing, try to read Psalms. God will lead you to Him and bring healing through His Word.
Psalm 40:1- 3 says, “I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.”